faith...

last week, on the day that i called out sick, dave and i were sitting in washington square park for a while, talking about the stuff that we talk about. and one of the things that came up was his trip out to san francisco one summer that turned out disastrous. i won't tell that story here, as it isn't mine to tell, but the gist is that it is a classic tale of one getting one's hopes up, even though there isn't a lot of evidence to support that hope, and then having those hopes and all of their expectations thrown unceremoniously in the trash. it might also be helpful to add that this story is also one regarding matters of the heart.

so, we were talking about that and laughing about how important and earnest things felt at that point in our lives and about how impossible it is to recognize that some things really don't matter while you're standing in the middle of them, feeling like lloyd dobbler in _say anything_. and i mentioned to dave that most of the stories in life don't have happy endings.

how odd is that? it's true--most of the things we want don't end up happening the way that we want them to happen. we believe and dream and tie up so much energy into wanting to get the right boy or girl or needing to be in the right place or find the right job and rarely do things work out that way. we can't will them into existence by sheer force of desire.

but why do we follow these dreams? even when all rational and logical signs are practically screaming that they're not going to pan out? people are completely blind and kind of stupid, but the possibility, no matter how remote, that things just might work out in our favor keeps us going. and then the resolution those desires get always comes in some other form. when we're finally able to let go, or to accept the way they do work out, we walk away, a little disappointed, but better for having gone through it. somehow, those big wants that once consumed us turn into character building learning experiences; tiny stumbling blocks in retrospect that make us stronger along the way. fodder for stories told among good college friends.

so is it the ambiguousness that motivates us? is it the not-knowing that compels us to see it through to the end? is hope our downfall and our triumph?

maybe that's why we cling so tenaciously to faith. it's the one thing that we desire that can never be truly resolved. never in this life. sound hopeless? not to me. sounds beautiful. makes all of the ambiguity seem a little more comforting.