diagnosis...

multiple sclerosis. this thing isn't even a goddamn tumor. guess i'll have to change my description on this blog. i don't understand at all. i feel like sisyphus or prometheus--damned, only without any grandiose cause. did i bring this on myself? could i have eaten better? exercised more? drunk less?

technically i'm still waiting. of course i'm still waiting. dr. grady said that the neuropathologist wants to do one more stain, and that should take about a week, but both he, the neuropathologist, dr. pruitt, and everyone who has looked at/been consulted with my case is of the opinion that this is MS. dr. grady described it as "that's some good news", but the truth is, i would have rathered it be cancer. cancer is curable. multiple sclerosis is not. with cancer, they could have just gone in my head and removed the problem. with MS, the problem is my own body.

i've been reading a lot, and it's probably all of the wrong literature, about MS and the odd thing is that none of my symptoms are MS symptoms. there has been no weakness or blurred vision or "droopy limbs". only the seizures and near seizures and the blocked vision and the almost intolerable and certainly constant headaches. so what if they're wrong? what if this isn't MS at all? what if this is some freakish yet-to-be-discovered abnormality that will strike me dead before i'm 30? truth be told, lightning or a car could strike me dead before i'm 30.

another thing i've learned through my independent study is a lot of statistics. 85% of MS cases are diagnosed as relapsed-remitting. within 10 years, 50% of those cases become secondary progressive, which means that they get steadily worse. there's no remission--it becomes a matter of managing the disability instead of going back and forth from attack to a-okay. from what i understand, each attack, or relapse, does irreparable damage. so if i'm 27, and within 10 years i'll be 37, let's just say i'm a little pissed off that my life has been kicked in the balls like this.

okay, "a little pissed off" is the understatement of the year. MS won't kill me, and brain cancer could have, but now i have to live the rest of my life waiting for the next relapse to impair me just a little bit more. i'm so angry and full of rage about this that i can't even think of anything appropriate to write. i feel like i'm on some sort of pendulum swinging back and forth between wanting to cry myself dry and wanting to put my fist through the wall.

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my grandmother just called. i love her dearly and think she's one of the truest and kindest and most amazing women in the world, and the sound of her voice did well to diffuse the mood i was in a few minutes ago. we cried together in our conversation. i've never really cried with her before. perhaps i've been too busy being "granddaughter" to actually let myself be vulnerable to the one woman in my life who has seen way more than i could possibly throw at her. i feel brokenhearted right now--i could barely speak to her through my tears. and her tears? i just can't handle that.

i think this is all i can write for tonight. i'm a wreck. i should probably get some clarity on this before i try to write any more. there have to be some positives--i just don't see them right now.