episode...

right now i am weak and dizzy and tired but not sleepy and a little shaken up. i've had this really awful headache on and off since midday yesterday. when i woke up today i took 3 tylenol extra strength and went to church. during and after the headache was still bad--hurting the most in the front behind my eyes, but sometimes moving around my head. i called dad, who told me to call dr. kearney who suggested that i go into the ER at HUP so they can track what's going on to see if there has been any change. meanwhile, the headache was awful, and i started feeling numb off and on and i thought that a seizure was coming on. i was convinced of it--to the point where i cleared everything off the bed in case i started to convulse. i had stean call dr. grady's answering service and explain what was happening to see if we could get his advice. i guess one of the benefits of being chief of neurosurgery is that you get your weekends off, because the doctor on call called back. but in the time between i started to feel better. before that, though, it was so terrible--i was confused, my thinking was crazy, i felt weak and light all over, i thought i was becoming paralyzed--but i didn't want to go to the hospital because i knew that all they would do was put me on a stretcher and stick an IV in my arm and leave me there forever and then run some tests and leave me there for another forever and then run some more tests and i just hate that whole process. maybe i should have gone in; if it happens again i will go in. the only thing i would stand to gain would be access to a sedative to ease the almost intolerable level of anxiety that i'm feeling.

i'm so afraid. i'm terrified. i don't understand what is happening to me and i don't know what i can do to make it any better. i'm forced to sit here and wait and hope that things don't complicate themselves any further.

cancer. multiple sclerosis. brain tumor. this has been going on for a month now and i have heard a lot of terms thrown at me from a lot of different directions. i don't know what to make of this or where to start putting the pieces together. all i know is that none of this feels real. i keep waiting for it to pass, like a dream or a bad movie. soon i'll wake up or the credits will roll and this will be over and i'll be able to return to life as i knew it.