sinking in...

i bought this book today about dealing with the first year of a multiple sclerosis diagnosis. god, i can't even read it--the words don't even register. i'm trying to find out about this disease so i can make informed decisions and so i can have informed reactions, but everytime i begin to read up on it my head starts spinning. i can't believe this is real.

i think i'd rather die than be paralyzed. i'd rather die than dwindle slowly away.