blindsided...

talked to dr. grady yesterday. he said the following: "your diagnosis is multiple sclerosis". so, so much for the maybes and the we-don't-know-yets and the guesswork. i've got MS. now my life will be different. for the rest of my life, i'll have multiple sclerosis. it could be really bad or it could be easily manageable. i don't know. and i won't know. even if i have another relapse soon, i won't know how bad it could be.

there is so much unknown about a disease (disease!!!) like MS. les, my boss at my job in boston, went downhill quickly after his diagnosis. other people go for years and years and years and years without any noticeable symptoms. obviously i'd like to experience the latter, but just like i didn't get to choose whether i had a brain tumor or MS, i don't get to choose the course that my disease (DISEASE?!?!) will take. i just want to get in to see dr. pruitt as soon as humanly possible and get started on some sort of treatment plan.

when my phone rang, i was outside with dave and jessica and stean. and while i was on the phone, joe and laura showed up. at the time, having all of those people around was too much--i had to leave and take the dog for a walk so i could escape from the words that had just been exchanged in my living room--but i think it was probably for the best. what good would it have done me to have been by myself? of course, i wanted stean there, and he was there--he came inside with me while i spoke with dr. grady. and then dave came in to see how things had gone, and he was able to tell jessica and joe and laura, something that i don't know that i would have been able to do so soon, even though i wanted them all to know. i called dad and daniel, but calling someone is different than having to tell someone in person. on the phone you only hear a voice, and vocal inflections are relatively easily controlled. in person, someone's facial expression will always give away what he or she thinks. i wasn't ready, so soon after that phone conversation, to have to read my friends' facial expressions. i know that crowd to be compassionate and encouraging and optimistic, but still, it's an MS diagnosis. it's not pretty. none of this has been pretty.

but do you know what stean said? when i told him how the conversation with dr. grady had gone, he looked at me and he said, "okay, so what's our next step?" this is so tough for him, too. but how amazing that he's doing this with me! that he sees this as changing his life, too! he hasn't batted an eye at any point in the past six weeks, and i have no reason to think that he will. i'm lucky. i'm truly truly blessed to have alongside me the people that i have.

another thing that dr. grady said was that it is his opinion that having MS is a much better diagnosis than having a brain tumor. i asked him if that included a benign brain tumor and he said absolutely. joe said the same thing--that he's glad, personally, that it's MS and not a tumor. so i've got two doctors who see this as somewhat positive.

...but then, i had a medical student, one of my MCAT teachers, holler after me as i was leaving the office yesterday, "it's better to have a brain tumor than MS because a tumor can be operated on!" no shit. but this was not something about which i had a choice. this was not something that i could let myself wrap in my preferences. it is my preference that this doesn't happen at all. it would have been my choice to be completely normal. i called dad after she had said that to me (i was blazing mad at just how unknowingly insensitive it was) so angry at her and at me for ever having talked to ANYONE about this. because as soon as the words leave my mouth, the news is no longer mine. it is free to float around and take its own form and it has the potential to be heard totally differently. and that's something i have to learn to accept, because this isn't the first time this will happen. the world is full of people who believe that they know more than anyone else. i believe that the vast majority of the things that people will tell me will be done so out of some motivation to be helpful or encouraging, but i have to learn to be very selective about what i listen to. dad said that grandma is all full of this idea that i can cure myself with bee venom. i guess, if that's what she needs to think in order to bring some sort of peace about this for herself, then that thought is worthwhile. but under no circumstances do i need to make my decisions according to what people who aren't intimately involved in this process (specifically, me and my doctors) have to say.

at least i can still go to school this fall. i want to learn how to make this diagnosis a motivator for me, how to turn it into something that will make me want to work harder and use my energy for good things. that's no small challenge. but then, neither is multiple sclerosis... i have to believe that i am up for this, simply because i'm foolish if i let myself believe that i am not.