not "it"...

moon did one of those stupid tag things and tagged me, and i'm not gonna play along. the topic du jour is "five things you might not know about me". well, i don't think i could come up with five things, since i'm not exactly tight-lipped about the goings-on in my silly head. besides, all the important stuff exists within this blog, so if you're curious (or really bored), check out the archives.

i will share one thing, however. i'm terrified of flying. really. i hate it. hate airplanes, hate take-offs and landings, hate complimentary beverage services, hate the weird flushing mechanisms of the air-toilets, hate the fasten-your-seatbelt signs, but mostly i hate the turbulence. like, white-knuckles, stomach-in-my-throat hate it.

after my mom died, after that winter break, when my dad drove me to the airport to return to south bend, i literally begged him not to make me get on the plane. i was crying in the airport. granted, my emotional state wasn't exactly at its most stable at that point, a mere four weeks into the grieving process, but i was wholeheartedly convinced that my plane was going to crash and my bones and guts would be smashed to smithereens. as we all know, everything turned out to be fine. and as the years have passed, while i haven't completely overcome my fear, the terror has gotten much less irrational.

i don't know if i believe in god or spirits or any of those things. but there are things i do every time i fly. when i was in middle school, my mom and i flew out to san antonio to visit her favorite aunt (the wonderful woman after whom i was named). it was the only time i ever flew with my mom. as we boarded the flight, she placed her hand on the side of the plane's door for a few seconds. after we were seated, she told me that she always does that when she flies -- puts her hand on the aircraft and says a silent prayer for god to look after everyone on the flight and carry them to their destinations safely. ever since, on every flight i've taken, i've done the same. i don't know that i'm asking god for help, but i'm placing my trust in some higher power, be it the almighty or the cosmos or technology or the pilots in the cockpit. and it makes me feel a little better, a little safer, a little less on edge.

there's another thing i always do. when i was a wee lass, back when my parents were still practically newlyweds and lived in a rented house, my mom sewed all of our christmas decorations. i have this one ornament, a little angel, made of felt and stuffed with cotton. she always flies with me. always. i know it's silly and superstitious, but it makes me feel a little better, a little safer, a little less on edge. and even if its only effect is to put my mind at ease, it seems a worthwhile ritual.

tomorrow morning i'll be boarding a plane for a four-hour flight to las vegas. i won't sleep well tonight. but i have the little felt and cotton angel in my bag, and i'll say a silent prayer as i board the plane. and i'll trust that the voyage will be divinely guided and that all will be well.

because, really, if i let all of my irrational fears keep me from doing things, i'd be a pretty silly girl.