uncertainties...

text message conversation with my brother today:

e: my neurologist basically took away my MS diagnosis yesterday. awesome, yes?
d: that's really good?!
e: it's definitely good news.
d: i know, it's just kinda weird.
e: yeah. i honestly can't get too excited about it because all of this has been so uncertain.
d: exactly.

it's not that my brother isn't pleased at this news. and it's not that i'm not, either, but you've got to admit, being undiagnosed or having a diagnosis revoked isn't really something that makes a lot of sense. or at least, it's not a common occurrence. or, the brain doesn't quite know what to do with this sort of news. or, my brain doesn't.

the label has been removed. i went from all-systems-normal to check-engine to hey-it-fixed-itself? okay, so it didn't really go like that, but it sorta did. i don't want to be sick. i don't want to have a degenerative disease. and i understand that the human body is a wonky system and it can go through weird, flukey things that don't always make sense in the textbook manner of comprehension. but this isn't like a remission. this isn't like a skinned knee that healed. i do have a scar -- a little line that shows up in the MRI scans where the needle went in my left occipital lobe during the biopsy. and you can see the tiny spot where the inflammation occurred. scars. but is that it? am i left with a mark, a wound from battle? jesus, was it ever a battle!

somehow, though, thinking of this whole neurological nightmare in the past tense doesn't seem right. the one thing in the world with which i'm least able to deal is uncertainty. and here i've been given the closest thing to certainty i could hope for in this situation. what dr. b. told me yesterday is the best news possible! it's almost like a little miracle. yet, it doesn't make sense. somehow i had figured out a way to let go of my need to know what was happening in my brain. i had made peace with that uncertainty. now i have to make peace with a clean bill of health. it shouldn't be difficult, but it is. i can't really articulate why.

it's raining outside. earlier i sat in my windowsill and watched the lightning. nothing is certain, not really. was this whole ordeal just fate's way of, erm, drilling that into my head? maybe... but i don't believe that life works that way. that whole things-happen-for-a-reason bullshit? that's not for me.

yet, here i am. this is my truth, my reality, my present tense. i should be grateful. i am grateful. but i'm also skeptical. i suppose it's all part of the mystery.

the rain is really coming down now. my windows are open and it smells like rain in my apartment. the thunder just scared the hell out of the cats, and now the air feels electric. moment by moment. all is uncertain. that can be kind of a relief.