doldrums...

...and for no good reason, either. maybe it's the impending end of the semester. maybe it's that so many things right now seem so uncertain. maybe it's that i have this vision of what i want my life to look like, my summer to look like, my end of the semester to look like.

maybe i shouldn't say there's no good reason... there are certainly reasons. several of them. some that i have some control over, some that i don't. why is it that the ones i can't control seem to be the scariest? shouldn't i just learn to let them be simply because there's nothing i can do to control them?

you know how when you're a kid and grown-ups ask you what your dreams are and you tell them you want to be a marine biologist or an astronaut or a supreme court justice? and they tell you in response that you can be whatever you want to be? that the sky's the limit? well, maybe if you let yourself believe that for too long, somehow you infuse that belief with something that resembles truth. but the real truth, the competing truth, is that you really can't make something happen just because you want it to. you can't just will things into reality. it's probably for the best, really -- we wouldn't want people to be able to have things just because they have the desire. not to say that desire is wrong, but it certainly can be extremely frustrating. and one thing's for sure -- desire is not the path of the buddha.

and so, here's my big confession... i bailed on my therapist appointment this week. i just didn't show up. why? because i'm stressed out. seems like a good time to go to the therapist, doesn't it? but instead, i couldn't deal with having to talk for an hour about how stressed out i feel. so i just didn't go. and i feel like a real chickenshit about it.

sheesh... there you go. i guess this post is my attempt to embrace my inner fuck-up. now you know. i'm not perfect.