same same but different...

i can't quite think of the right word to describe what's going on in my mind these days. weird? drugged? altered? none of those really fits. mostly, i feel haunted. haunted by images of when i regained consciousness after my seizure. i keep seeing the faces of the EMTs, the lighting in my apartment; i keep remembering how completely afraid i felt, how i didn't trust anyone around me, how i just wanted it all to stop.

i'm back in that awful limbo space that i got to know so well two years ago. waiting for doctors to return phone calls. signing release forms. dutifully taking my pills when i should because that's the only certain thing i've got right now.

i feel really strange about putting these thoughts on this blog, too. before, its semi-public forum notwithstanding, my little posts felt very private. now? not so much. i don't want to hold back, given how forthcoming i've been here in the past, but i'm hesitant to let loose so much. and i'm frustrated by the feeling that now i have to find a balance.

i always bruise when i have needles stuck in me. perhaps it's the curse of my pale irish skin. i've got a nice purple mark on the back of my left hand where the IV was placed...... jesus fucking christ! i can't believe i had another seizure!!! i can't believe how little doubt was in my mind when i woke up with that headache that seizuresville was where i was headed. i knew. nothing could have been more clear to me. it had been over two years since the last seizure. and that feeling i had after the seizure? that was unbelievably familiar, too.

i'm trying to figure out the best way to deal with this. i've gone with the sleep-a-lot-and-cry-my-eyes-out route, but that doesn't do anything but remind me of how scared i am. and if i'm to take my own medicine (does that count as a pun?) here, i can't get worked up about things that i don't know anything about. i haven't had the big conversations with my neurologists. there may not be big conversations to be had. the CT scan was normal. i need to keep reminding myself of that.

deep. breaths.

charmingly, my cats have been extra special affectionate lately. they either know that i'm feeling a little out of sorts or they're getting tired of living in this tiny apartment and hope they can persuade me to take them back to our nice 1-br in pittsburgh soon. soon enough, kittens. soon enough.

but now? it's bedtime. "the gateway" was supposed to call me, but she's behind schedule. i'll just rest my eyes until the phone rings. or until the morning. whichever comes first...