a little too familiar...

...well, here we are. back where things started. and i'm less than pleased about it all.

thursday night at about 3:30 or so (that's friday morning, for you sticklers), i woke up with a really ugly headache. this wasn't just any ugly headache, either. it was accompanied by the brain-racing, fear-drenching anxiety that i recognized as the pre-seizure aura. so i woke up keith, told him that i thought i was about to have a seizure (and thankfully, he had heard some of my back story so this wasn't entirely out of the blue), and then tried my damnedest with my last few moments of consciousness to tell him where my clothes were so i wouldn't be indecent when the paramedics showed up. yes, friends -- these were my waning thoughts: put. on. clothes.

anyway, i did in fact have a seizure. i was unconscious for about ten minutes, and when i came to, i was a wreck. there were strangers in my apartment (the paramedics), i recognized keith, but i couldn't place his name for the life of me. i was nothing short of hysterical. scared, shaky, confused, disoriented. somehow they got me down the stairs (the goddamn elevator wasn't working in my building...again) and into the ambulance. i was pretty much a mess in the ambulance, too.

the weirdest part, the part that differentiated this seizure experience from the one two years ago, is that i knew what to expect. even though i was completely confused and scared, on some level i knew that this was what happened with seizures and that it would pass, i would regain my normally functioning consciousness. so, even though i couldn't remember my name, my birthdate, my address, i knew i would be able to soon. and i did. once things settled down a bit, i started feeling normal again. things were okay. just incredibly fucked up.

in hospital news, i had a CT scan done, and the scan was normal. the neurologists worked me over pretty good, and except for some post-seizure balance issues, i was totally fine. so that's good, right? still, i don't know what to make of this.

i want to write more, but i honestly don't have the presence of mind right now. my friend lisa made me stay at her place last night, which was really really kind of her and i'm glad i did it. except that i literally slept for sixteen hours. i'm back on anti-seizure meds, for the forseeable future, and that sucks, because they make me feel slow and sleepy and dizzy. my entire body is sore from the seizure and i managed to bite up the side of my tongue.

what the fuck is happening to me? what the fuck?!

but the really weird thing is that i don't want to be by myself. even though i know i'm medicated and i'm going to be fine, i'm a little nervous being alone.

at least daniel will be here for a visit tomorrow. it will be very good to have my brother around.

more later. i'm going to try and make some dinner now.

**yawn**