if at first you don't succeed...

so, i've mentioned previously here that i've finally found myself a therapist that i really like. and i mentioned last week that what i'm really trying to focus on these days is slowing myself down enough that i can take things one step at a time, not to think too far in the future, learn to be where i am.

today with my therapist, after about half an hour of emily-on-a-manic-rant spewing out all the crap that's been in my head the past week, my therapist told me that i need to let myself have time every day, even if only a couple of minutes, to sit and do nothing. but here's the thing -- i don't know how to do nothing. sure, i can sit and waste time, i can goof off, i can accomplish nothing. but actually doing nothing? like, not thinking? not being preoccupied with fifty billion things? not being distracted by any and everything? no way. it sounds like a fantastic skill, but it sure as hell ain't one i've got.

so she asked me if i'd be up for spending the end of our session trying to just focus on my breathing. the way i look at it, if there's a chance it could help, i'm up for anything. so we spent some time talking about breathing from the diaphragm and how it works physiologically (because i need to understand what's actually happening with my body -- i can't buy into the new agey stuff without having some factual basis behind it), and then she had me spend three minutes -- only three minutes -- with my eyes closed, just thinking about my breath.

and by the beginning of minute number two, i was just about ready to jump out of my skin! i couldn't do it. my brain was full of the sound of traffic on the street below, the horrible blackness of the inside of my eyelids, the endless stream of thoughts running through my head. why am i so bad at doing nothing? shouldn't doing nothing be the easiest thing ever? it was awful -- it felt so unnatural, so uncomfortable. but i hung in there, i was determined to go that entire three minutes with my eyes closed; i was determined to try and focus on my breathing. as a result, i just ended up feeling frustrated that i had to be so consciously determined, so constantly at war with the thoughts in my head.

when the time was up, my therapist told me to open my eyes. i did. and i told her how hard it had been, how uncomfortable i felt, how completely unnerving the experience was.

have i gotten so accustomed to feeling anxious that i don't know how to relax? i know that sounds really really really stupid, but it's honestly how i feel -- my brain is so used to being all keyed up and manic that i'm going to basically have to learn how not to be. and it's going to take time and practice. and i'm not really excited about the time and practice that's going to be involved. but i am convinced that it's worth trying out, and i know that this is a skill, not an innate ability. or, at least it's not innate for me. but i can learn this. i can figure it out.

here's to giving new things a try...