much awaited, eagerly anticipated...

well, not really, but i figured i can't put up contenders in the "who would win in a fight" cereal championship and not post my own picks. so here you go:

a) the cookie crook v. sonny, the bird from cocoa puffs?

my money's on the cookie crook. sonny is clearly insane, and while the force of insanity is mighty, the cookie crook is one sneaky bastard. for starters, he wears a mask. additionally, he had to rise through the ranks of cookie thievery to earn the much, erm, coveted position of cookie crisp box cover boy. and finally, he would need only to unleash his secret weapon (a handful of cocoa puffs) to render sonny nearly unconscious (and possibly incontinent).

b) tony the tiger v. the sugar bear?

hail to the champion of all times: sugar bear! this would be a battle of epic proportions. tony the tiger has mad upper body strength, but his one move is his grrrrrrrrrreat uppercut. as long as sugar bear avoids this coup de grace, he's aces. sugar bear is suave and way cool, but underneath that stoner exterior, he's a crazed animal. and let's not forget that bears are mean motherfuckers when provoked.

c) the leprechaun from lucky charms v. dig'em the frog?

um, dig'em. leprechauns aren't real.

d) toucan sam v. the honey nut cheerios bee?

this one would be a draw. the honey nut bee is smarter and craftier and more deserving of a win, but one sting to his opponent and our dear bee is a goner. i suppose technically, after the disastrous sting to toucan sam has been delivered, honey nut bee would be the winner, but he wouldn't be alive to be announced as such. `tis a tragic fate for our buzzing friend. sigh.

e) king vitaman v. mikey from life cereal?

totally. king vitaman. mikey is just a little kid, and king vitaman is a king, and has, like, a kingdom and a royal guard and stuff. let me assure you, folks, that king vitaman is as real as you or i—-his picture on the box cover is a photograph; this is no illustration. his royal highness would kick some serious ass and mikey would be left in a vitamin-fortified daze with visions of life cereals circling his head.

h) the trix rabbit v. quisp?

quisp is from outer space. and he has a gun. no contest. the trix rabbit would be too distracted, all running around trying to steal artificially flavored and colored cereal from children. boooooooo trix rabbit! booooooooooooo!

g) snap, crackle, and pop v. count chocula, booberry, and frankenberry?

the monsters. snap, crackle, and pop are little guys, and their skill lies in cerealic onomatopoeia. AND, they must act together to accomplish their goal. chocula, boo, and franken each have their own similar but distinct product line and thus could attack from three independent directions. s, c, and p wouldn't stand a chance. the weakness i see for our supernatural breakfast friends is in where the fight would be held--there seems to be some limited- regional-release/not-available-in-all-markets issues. for example, if the battle were to be held in, say, pascagoula, mississippi, count chocula would have to take on snap, crackle, and pop on his own. it would be tight, but i still think that the count could pull it off.