magnetized...

had another MRI last night. my wait time was nil--i didn't even have enough time for the ativan to kick in before they were putting me back inside the ol' tube. it's amazing how frightened and anxious i get in the middle of that magnet, which by the way, is called a bore (http://electronics.howstuffworks.com/mri.htm), even though i know it's just a harmless test and that i can get out of it very easily if need be.

i still swear that my brain twitches. maybe it's just electrical current running through things at different points, but i can feel my brain move, like a reflex or a jolt. i have to remember to ask dr p about this when i see her on monday. i'm sure she'll think i'm insane, but i don't care. or else i'm being paranoid and a hypochondriac...

the really bad part about my MRI is that before i left the magnet area, i glanced over at the screen that had my scans up and there looked like a lot of little white spots. now, i can't be definitely sure that it was my brain, but it would make the most sense that it was my brain, since it was me they had just scanned. i also can't be definitely sure that what i saw in a split second was an accurate reading of the image. it could have been the ventricles or something that were causing lighter patches. but i definitely saw a large white patch, which is probably the stupid lesion that's been with me since march 23rd, and maybe it's never going to go away and i'll never regain the sight i've lost and i'll be on this carbamazepine for the rest of my life, too.

i'm tired of things being for the rest of my life. jesus god.

in other news, my brother and i got the same letter from my grandma about how she's worried that we're falling out of god's graces because of the lifestyle we're leading right now. i could be wrong, but i'm pretty damn sure she's talking about how we both live with our significant others (the only other option is that she's upset that we don't vote republican). this, mind you, is the third letter i've gotten this year from my grandmother criticising something i've allegedly done that has cast a shadow of shame and hellfire on my soul. frankly, i'm hurt and offended by it. realistically, however, my only recourse is to respond to her with love, because i know in my heart that she's only acting out of love for me and the duty she feels to her own beliefs and to me as her granddaughter.