daddy's little girl...

i had an incredibly inane conversation with my dad tonight. really silly. about my bar exam study loan. but ever since i got off the phone, i've been thinking about a few things in the conversation, and i keep getting angrier and angrier. it's of no consequence, really, because as i get older, the more i realize that i'll never ever have any sort of adult-adult relationship with my dad. ever.

i will always be his child; he will always see me as obstinate, naive, shortsighted. and he will always, despite my better efforts, be my father. he'll always be dated, out of touch, with unrealistic expectations.

the phone conversation tonight took a turn for the worse when we started talking about graduation things. you see, the standard diploma that the law school issues is 8 1/2 X 11 inches, but a larger diploma is available for $40. this larger diploma is 12 X 16 inches. my father, in all of his wisdom, is quite sure that "someday it will be important" to me to have the larger diploma. he's convinced that spending that $40 is a good investment since this is such a significant achievement. and i can't seem to make him understand that of all the things that are important to me and that will become important to me, i will NEVER give a shit about the size of my law school diploma. and that setting $40 on fire is, in my opinion, a better thing to do with that money than to put it toward a piece of paper.

my father has convinced me that i should order graduation announcements to send to friends and family. we also talked about who should receive these announcements. i think i should really only send them to family -- aunts, uncles, my grandmother. but my dad listed several names of friends of his that "might want to know." but i told him i'd feel awkward sending announcements to people that i haven't really maintained any sort of relationship with. and then the following conversation occurred:

emily: it would be like inviting your co-workers to my wedding.
dad: no, that would be me inviting those people.
emily: oh wait, you're paying for my wedding now?
dad: no.
emily: well, i'm certainly not going to use my money to invite people i don't know to my wedding.
dad: but...
emily: and if you're not contributing financially, you get zero oversight of the guest list.
dad: you're right.
emily: okay then. and in case anybody's wondering, i have no plans to get married.

see? it's stupid! but i'm enraged about this conversation! i am not a little girl anymore. i've been making my own decisions and learning from my own mistakes for a long time. when my father was my age, he had two kids. he was adult enough at that point to raise and support two other lives. why is it so hard for him to see me as adult enough to intelligently say i don't want a poster-sized law school diploma?

i love my father so much. but i just don't know how to communicate with him sometimes. and it enrages me and saddens me and frustrates me and breaks my heart. i don't think i'll ever stop being affected by this.