round and round and back again...

erm... consider this post a revision/revisitation of this one. and just like the former post, i'm not sure i should be posting the following, but, well...

here it goes -- for the first time in a while, i'm finding myself in this place where i feel, well, a little lonely. not for lack of good people in my life or good things to do with my time. i have amazing friends, incredible friends, friends for whom i wouldn't trade anything, not even a 4.0 and the perfect job. objectively speaking, my life is really good right now. i see that. i realize that. i'm trying to acknowledge that. yet, i feel -- feel -- something else.

i look back on my dating life since i broke up with S, and it seems so pathetically disheartening. there have been glimmers of brilliance, the odd could-have-been, but thinking about it right now -- at this immediate moment -- i feel like i'm in this cycle of mediocrity, that i'm ensnared in this pattern of meeting someone new, liking who i am when i'm with him, he says wonderful things, makes me smile, maybe he's not perfect but he's worth figuring out, and then right when i start to consider that maybe it's okay to run with it, he gives me some very valid reason for why he's not completely available.

and generally speaking, these moments happen way prior to the point where i'm even remotely willing to consider venturing into serious-relationship-land with this new person, when it's all way too new and too uncertain. yet, i'm so foolishly idealistic and hopeful... and even though i value honesty and forthrightness way more than ridiculous bullshit game-playing, the good old insecurities kick in and i make it personal, i see it as a rejection. and then i act out and do stupid, questionable things like seeking solace in what is familiar or e-mailing people from my past to try to make amends, to try to rectify whatever i did in my history that has had the annoying karmic result of finding me here, single, but in a weird transitional point in life where it's foolish to try to start something new, given that i don't know where i'll be after graduation, and that i realistically don't have the energy or the accessibility to be somebody's girlfriend.

ugh. here's the really embarrassing and whiny truth -- that part of me who is still a 15 year old girl just wants somebody to want me to the exclusion of all others. i want someone to meet me and think i'm the most beautiful, amazing, perfect girl. i don't want him to expect me to save him or be the answer to all of his questions -- i just want him to see me, with my flaws and my lesser qualities, and still think i'm fantastic, that i'm worth it. it's happened to me once and only once. i think back to how this person would look at me, at even the stupidest, most mundane moments. like, we'd be sitting on the couch watching television and i'd giggle at some completely ridiculous commercial, and i'd glance over at him and the way he looked back was so... it was like i was something beautiful and precious. and here's the really crappy part -- the reason i had to finally end that relationship is because as much as i may have wanted to (and i really tried) i couldn't look at him that way. that fucking sucks.

and my fear is that finding a relationship where there's a balanced and mutual amazement is not only unrealistic, but impossible.

maybe it's me? am i so reluctant to let go of that 15 year old emily who already has her dream wedding all planned out (including but not limited to the song list that will be played at the reception and the fact that i refuse to ever wear an engagement ring or be "given away" by my father) that i'm unwilling to make concessions? nope. still not ready to make concessions. it's not that bad.

i had a talk with a good friend last night about this. the thing that gets me so frustrated is that it seems that in every other area of my life i can exercise some control -- i get to make choices about where i live, what type of job i have, what i make for breakfast. but under no circumstances do i have any agency to make someone fall in love with me. that stuff is kinda left up to chance. sure, one can create opportunities, but one cannot force a result. some people say that everything happens for a reason. i've never bought that theory, much preferring the "shit happens" philosophy. and the "the life you save may be your own" philosophy.

ugh. boring. all of the above is boring. and so non-original. i bet every single person who reads this post is going to have this reaction: "duh!" obviously we all go through this from time to time. the self-doubt, the self-reflection, the self-awareness that to a large degree, all we have is ourselves. boo hoo. and so, i ask myself, what's the lesson here?

in knowing who i am and knowing my tendencies, maybe i need to just be where i am. i should focus on the reality that i do have a hell of a lot of good things going for me right now. i need to see where i am now as my own source of rejuvenation. because here is my reality. i'm not in philadelphia, i'm not a first year student, i'm not out of school, i'm not on christmas break. but is part of being here realizing that i want someone here? i want something here. some sort of supplement or diversion or distraction. but, wait? what if this diversion or distraction that i think i want is just some sort of stopgap to get me to where i keep thinking myself to be? jesus. such is the pattern of my life -- focussed on the next destination, not so good at sitting still.

wow. i'm so glad i've gone through the exercise of writing all of the above. no. really. i don't mean this in the least bit sarcastically. except that i do. how. incredibly. unproductive.

and, psst: i've self-edited a lot in this post. how it started is drastically different from how it's ended up. self-editing. that's the beauty of having a blog -- i get to choose and redact and rewrite and euphemize. and all from the comfort of my own couch...

okay. time to now post a bunch of other, less publicly naked posts to bury this one so it's not the first thing people see when they check in on throckmorton...