familiar territory...

tomorrow after class i'm going to get on a bus and head over to shadyside hospital to have an MRI. the last MRI i had was in august of 2004 -- a year and a half ago. back then this blog was something entirely different. it was, essentially, a diary of all of the things i was going through as a result of first being told i had a grade 2 brain tumor, then having that elevated to a grade 3, then having that whole tumor thing changed to a possible multiple sclerosis diagnosis. there were so many admissions and revelations and crazy feelings that got dumped into those early blog posts. it was something almost unrelated to what i post on this site now.

and so i guess that's progress.

but now, on the eve of spending an hour in a scary tube, my head circled by a noisy magnet that will see through to what's going on in my brain, a lot of those feelings are present again -- the uncertainty, the fear, the frustration, the reluctance. there's not a goddamn thing i can do to change what that test will reveal tomorrow. there's not a goddamn thing i can do to prevent the reality that this is something i'm going to have to stay on top of for the rest of my life. and right now, there doesn't seem to be a goddamn thing i can do to calm down the threatening panic that's got me from my fingertips to my toes.

back when this blog was my record of all things health-related, only four people knew of the blog's existence -- my dad, my brother, my sister, and stean. of the four, only my dad checked it, and when he did, it was infrequently. my brother told me that he didn't read it because not only did he feel a little afraid of what i was going through, but he also felt that if he had read it, he would be imposing on something very private. but he wouldn't have been. that was such a profoundly lonely time, even though i was surrounded by amazing, supportive people who weren't at all hesitant to let me know they loved me. but what i was going through was all my own.

it was my loss -- the loss of the idea of myself as immortal. and just like any loss, even though the emotions one goes through are so universal and human, the experience and manifestation of those emotions can be devastatingly personal. there was a safety back then in putting my own experience on this blog because, although i knew people could read my posts, no one really was actually reading it.

but now this blog is whatever it is, but there are people who actually check in on it with some regularity. i'm part of a group of friends who, in part, interact with each other through blog posts and comments.

and so i'm a little wary of this blog now. i have a fear of being too honest, of exposing myself to my friends in a way that might not be appropriate; a year and a half ago i never worried that i could say too much here.

so i won't say anything further, not at this point. tomorrow's just the MRI. it will be a few days yet before i learn what it shows. at that point i'll have to decide whether i want to write about what i find out, and i imagine that decision will be largely influenced by exactly what those test results are.

so for now, i'll just take some deep breaths and try to get some sleep. knowing what's going on in my brain is infinitely better than not knowing, so i can take some comfort in looking forward to finding out where things stand. and this is a matter over which i truly have no control, so worrying about it doesn't really do me much good. i've survived worse. i'll get past this, too.