these days...

...okay, i admit it. i'm in a bad mood lately. and being in a bad mood is completely counterproductive, which makes being in a bad mood even more annoying. i found myself last night at the gym literally trying to outrun my anxiety. and it worked for a little while, until i started getting all anxious about whether i was in danger of becoming a girl who uses exercise as therapy and who never actually overcomes her demons, instead she just uses endorphins and adrenaline to medicate them...

see? i'm in a bad mood.

i'd have to go back and read my posts from this time last year, but i'm pretty sure i was excited about my 30th birthday. i seem to recall turning 30 as a GOOD milestone, one that seemed full of promise and opportunity. now, i'm in a face-off with birthday # 31 and the birthday is winning. and i'm in a bad mood. i'm almost 31, i don't have a real job, i'm $130,000 in debt (that's all education debt, by the way -- there's nothing tangible in there, like a mortgage), and my apartment is a mess.

i hate this feeling. it's like those anxieties, those demons, those fears are all lurking, like my shadow, just waiting for me to let down my guard so they can pounce! i can't let them. i won't let them. being consumed by my fears is SO twenty-something. i'm a thirty-something now. gotta handle this like a grown-up.