...courage to change the things i can...

i helped hobbly gimpy mark do his grocery shopping this evening. i am well aware that he's taking advantage of my full mobility while he's getting by on crutches, but at least it gets me out of this hellhole of an apartment. that's how desperate i am to not be here. when he picked me up, he said, "okay, i've come to a conclusion -- you have to move." that seems to be the consensus of everyone i've talked to about this, and it's been my sense all day. even though the kid from whom i'm subletting is doing his damnedest to wheel and deal me into staying, it's just not worth it. and here's why...

while i'm not a princess and i don't need elaborate living conditions, i know myself and my anxiety levels well enough to realize that i need to feel comfortable in the place where i sleep. i couldn't fall asleep last night until around five in the morning because i was so creeped out and unhappy here. the filth is a big part of it, but it's also the (forgive the terminology here, please) vibe of this apartment and this building. it's icky undergrad boy land. it's not for me. no way. plus, i'm not only looking out for me, i have two little cats that i do love dearly and i want them to be happy, too. they're as miserable as i am in this place.

and, this summer is supposed to be the summer of emily. i've got a great internship, i'm back in philadelphia with great friends, i'm really excited to be here. i'm just not willing to settle for a crappy apartment. i'm too old and set in my ways for that. and i refuse to apologize for it.

i biked over to see my friend lisa tonight. she's truly one of the most fantastic ladies ever, and a dear dear friend who is always really easy to be with. she's going through some things these days that closely mirror what i went through a year or so ago with stean, and it was so nice to just sit around, have a couple of glasses of wine, and talk about what we've learned in our lives lately.

one of the things we talked about was being in philadelphia. she grew up around here and loves it. i'm realizing that i've reached the point in my life where i'm ready to put down roots, and i believe that this is the city where i want those roots to settle. i know enough people here that i don't have to be bored or lonely, but it's big enough for me to get lost if i want to be by myself. plus, i think my days of brand new cities and starting over from scratch might just be behind me. i'm finding it a tremendous comfort to think of returning to something that's familiar.

we also talked about how there are things we can control in our lives and there are things that we can't. we can't really do much to prevent or predict the latter, but we're silly if we don't make use of the opportunities with the former. thus, again, i'm moving out of this apartment tomorrow. this falls directly within the category of "things emily can control". so good for me! and i'm very very grateful that i have friends here who are willing to put me up for a few more days until i find a place that's going to make sense for the summer.

jesus, what a week! can't wait to see what next week brings!