two things, unrelated...

1) today is november 28, 2005. it's 10:11 p.m. i'm in pittsburgh, pennsylvania. the temperature outside is, erm, 64 degrees. WTF?!?!

2) i think i need to break up with my therapist. today i was telling her something that i thought was particularly insightful regarding some of what's been on my mind lately -- i was trying to take a small incident and stretch it to see how it informed the bigger picture of my life. and i managed to describe it in a way that i thought was particularly articulate and clear. and when i finished i asked her, "do you know what i mean?" and she said, "um, not really."

it's like i talk and she talks and we're talking about the same topic but the subjects are not the same. and i'm not even sure why i'm going to see her. the first five minutes of my session with her today consisted of me sitting there, staring at the piece of electrical tape on my coffee mug, saying that i really didn't know what i wanted to talk about. stammer stammer stammer.

she's one of those therapists that wants me to talk about my heart as if it were independent from my head and i don't really think i can do that. i can't think about my emotions without trying to filter them through some silly intellectualization process. that's just now how my mind works. i'm quite able to recognize patterns and see repeating behaviors. i'm not so good at reorganizing my brain so that i don't keep doing the stupid stuff. i don't care how i feel -- feelings are transient and roller-coaster-y by nature. what i want is to think about things in a better way.

sigh... different. wavelengths. altogether.