apologia...

do you ever get this thing where you get all anxious and upset and you really really want your good friends to notice on their own and to offer to be there to help you out, but you just can't bring yourself to actually say to your friends that you need them, because somehow acknowledging that you need people makes the fact that you need people all dumb. and so then you get angry at your friends because they weren't able to read your mind and so you sit and stew and let that anger contribute to the big mess of anxiety that you already feel?

and yet, you know, on a totally rational and practical level, that the anger and the neediness is totally silly, because (a) people do in fact need each other from time to time and there is no shame in that, and (b) nobody can read someone else's mind, regardless of how close the friendship is.

well, i did this yesterday, and i know it isn't fair. because the friend that i'm thinking about in particular has only ever been brilliant to me. and this friend doesn't even know that i went through this whole stupid why-can't-you-read-my-mind fit, so this post (which i'm sure this friend will read) is possibly of no consequence.

but i'm posting it nonetheless, because i know that i'm not a perfect friend, either. and i know that my own inability to tell someone that i need a shoulder to freak out on is nobody's fault but my own. and never have i ever felt totally abandoned or underappreciated by those who are close to me, and that's really lucky. so knowing this is true despite the fact that i occasionally turn into a bit of a basketcase is really a testament to the extraordinary friendships i've got and for that i'm really grateful.

so, long story short, to the person who earlier i told "i love you -- remind me to tell you why at lunch" and who responded, "no, i'm hungry." see the above. and you're fantastic.

deep.
breath.

* * *

in other news, this is a rough week. i woke up this morning with my fists already clenched and feeling tired. i suspect i was grinding my teeth in my sleep because my jaw is really sore. and yesterday, before i had the good sense to get the hell out of the law school building for a while, i had that oh-so-familiar feeling that an elephant was standing on my chest. stean, being by nature more calm and patient than i am, was always really good at diffusing my anxiety, but he's not around anymore, and i know that i'm capable of handing my moments of chaos on my own. because i know that they will pass. all things pass... all things keep moving...