delayed fallout...

sometimes i swear my brain moves. i can feel this quick, brief, electrical movement, like having a twitchy eyelid. i can usually feel it on the left side of my head, on the top, about three inches ahead and an inch over from where i had the biopsy. i don't know what it means, or if it means anything. i'm sure next i'll be waking up as a giant cockroach. maybe i'm just going nutso.

or maybe these little electrical impulses would be seizures if i weren't on the carbamazepine? ha. i hate the carbamazepine. it has made me an idiot and a clutz and i wake up in the morning with the speed of an iceberg. i always forget to take it on time, too. i take it evenly spaced because i'm constantly remembering about an hour or so after i'm supposed to take it. i guess it all works out somehow.

here's something i think about a lot:

i feel like i've lost my relative sense of time since the seizures. that feeling i had when i woke up and had no idea what day it was hasn't entirely left me. ugh, it was the worst feeling. and its memory is so vivid, unlike most of the events of that day--the nurse, a guy in his late 30s with really short grey hair and grey stubble on his nice, but no-nonsense face. he had a white t-shirt underneath the scrubs with sleeves that were long enough to peek out past the green. he seemed to just appear at my right side and he said, a little sternly because when i regained consciousness i immediately started panicking, "emily, do you know what day it is?" emily, do you know what day it is?

i would never have imagined... i never would have thought i couldn't answer that. it's such a stock are-you-okay-and-competent question and i couldn't answer. i've felt compromised ever since. i doubt my awareness of days and dates. i have to double check that i've written the month and the year properly. god, i hope this is a side effect of the carbamazepine, but i worry that it isn't. i worry that this is what it's like for people with brain diseases, this is what it's like for me.