it's about time...

in the past couple of years i've had lots of sleepless nights over the possibility of things growing in my head. there was, of course, the tumor scare, and the constant worry that my brain is going to freak out and have another weird inflammation. but the other night i came across something growing out of my head that in a very strange way gave me a sigh of relief, a hard-earned and well-deserved sense of accomplishment. what did i find? a single grey hair.

i'm 29 years old. friday is my half-birthday, which means starting on saturday, my age officially rounds up to 30. i'm not afraid of 30. if anything, i'm looking forward to it -- i plan to make 30 look really really good. of course, i guess i'm lucky... i still get carded when i buy cigarettes, i dress like a college kid, my hair was in two pig-tail buns today. i don't really worry that i look "old".

not to say that my age is a non-issue. i'm 29 and i'm single. ten years ago i figured by this point i'd be done with the craptastic crapfest that is the world of dating. little did i know... little did i know. and lately a conversation with a friend put the fear of god into me that the older i get, the worse my chances are of finding a relationship that's going to be fulfilling and worthwhile. the good ones are always taken, isn't that what they say? or if they're not taken, they're otherwise occupied... i just don't want to settle. i think to myself right now that i'd rather be alone than be just somebody's wife. but five years from now? ten years from now? will i still feel so strongly?

but that's a path i don't need to consider today. i'd rather think a little more about that grey hair. i have my roots to thank, all the new growth from my scalp since the last time i doused my hair with dye. there, among the dark brown, was a shiny bright strand, its lack of color obvious against the color that mother nature gave me, a color i've been trying my best to sabotage, to retrain since i was in college. my efforts have yet to succeed. i guess i can't escape what i am.

a single grey hair. i've earned it! my mother started to grey early. my father still has a lot of dark hair amidst the grey that didn't start to show itself until he was in his 40s. i wonder how much of the aging process is genetic and how much is experience? nature vs. nurture... there are certainly some things in life that make me feel very young and green; there are other things about which i feel pretty old. all things travel at their own speed, i suppose...and eventually it all gets us to the same place.

the easy reaction would be that law school is turning my hair grey. it could be true -- law school is definitely frustrating and difficult and infuriating and utterly ridiculous at times, but the truth is that i've been through worse. law school has yet to make me fear for my life. law school has yet to make me fear for my death. law school has yet to present me with something i can't handle. eh, law school... it's 3 years of my life. it's a means to an end. and it's not so bad. the worst of it is that it's an all-consuming force. but it's temporary.

one grey hair. guess what i did with it! yep -- i plucked it out. i'm not sure why, really. part of me wishes that i had left it in place. but nature and nurture will earn me more grey hairs. in time they'll outnumber the dark brown strands. if i get to that point i'll consider myself very fortunate to have had so many days, so many opportunities. i just have to make sure i don't let the good opportunities totally pass me by. i don't want to earn grey hairs with regrets. i'll wear them more proudly if they're decorations of battles hard-fought, whether lost or won.

and yes, this is one of those posts that none of my friends will read in its entirety because it's long and boring... it's like leaving a voice mail message on krista's phone -- i know she'll never check it, or will listen to the first couple of seconds and then just call me back. so i leave this post here just like i leave those messages -- totally aware that it's just for me.