not your average klutz...

lately i've been really aware of how much of a coordination disaster i am. i'm covered in weird bruises from running into things -- tree branches, a rack of motor oil in a convenience store, my door frame, et cetera...

the thing is, i've always been klutzy. always. i trip over things, i fall down, i knock things over, i break stuff. but lately things have felt different. my balance is off, but in a different way. maybe i'm imagining it, maybe i'm being dramatic. but my fear -- my very profound and terrifying fear -- is that this is some sort of MS-related thing. loss of balance/loss of coordination is a common MS symptom.

what if i'm getting sick? what if i'm falling apart? what if this disease thing that so consumed my life over a year ago is actually real? i've wanted so badly, hoped so much that it was just a fluke. i've prayed (in whatever way that prayer exists in my life) that my brain was just going through some sort of reluctant adolescent phase and that it had gotten everything out of its system.

i called and made an appointment with a new neurologist today, one who was recommended to me by two people. the earliest appointment available was december 13th. i can't say i'm surprised -- three months isn't really that long in the scheme of new doctors. i haven't had an MRI since last summer and i really should have one to make sure that there's nothing new and splotchy in my brain.

the truth is that i don't take my shots as often as i should. they make me feel terrible. i know that i have to do it, but what if i don't really have MS? is it worth going through the day of feeling like shit every week for a disease that i may not have? the responsible answer, of course, is yes. the hopeful answer, though, is that i'm going to fine, regardless.

i was freaking out about this today while talking to andrew. i said, "what if i'm in a wheelchair by the time we graduate?" he responded with, "then i'll push you." he's a good egg, that one. i'm incredibly lucky right now to have the friends that i have. even if something happens and i do get sick again, i know i'm going to be okay. i'm in good hands.